Self Help

Ok so I have been reading a lot like always and in my never ending quest for self help I have found the book "She's Gonna Blow!" Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger. So far it is great....I can't believe how it hit so close to home! Ouch! But, it feels good to hear someone else who has been in the middle of toddlerdom and had their inner cranky woman come to a head. I never thought I could get so annoyed with throwing food, refusing to use the potty and then peeing their pants right in front of me, and the like. How can I feel love and compassion for people I barely know and yet get so frustrated with the very ones I love the most? I think it is because each time they push my buttons, I dramaticize (is that a word?) it to be indicative of the rest of their lives. For example, Luke smacks Caleb. I can't see that as a present problem. Instead I blow it up to be that Luke is aggressive, and he won't be able to go to school and I better start sewing that orange jumpsuit together because it won't be long before I'll be tucking him in each night in the county jail!!!! Why do I blow it so much out of proportion???

I guess ultimately it's because I love these kids more than life itself and to think of them as being less than desirable is so difficult for me! I feel like I'm always apologizing for them...instead I need to see what other people see. So often I hear from others, "Oh that's just little boys for you!" Why can't I believe that??? Why do I always have to distort each misbehavior into being my fault?? Sorry for all of the rhetorical questions, but this is the stuff that is tossed around in my head late at night....Anybody else feel that way?

And why in the world do I feel like I have to put on a production for everyone else? I'm trying to realize that it doesn't matter what other people think about my parenting. As long as God thinks I'm doing an ok job, what do I care if the old bag at the library thinks? If she shoots me a mean look apparently she hasn't ever had kids, and hasn't had to explain that the big metal things there arent' for climbing on, but for putting books on.

I am trying to deal with the fact that my kids are going to embarrass me terribly in public, in ways I've never dreamed of....For example Luke opening the door to a one seater public bathroom while I was peeing...yep I needed the wooden spoon right about then. But they are just little and these things that make me nuts right now will be wonderful stories for their kids someday.

Sorry for unloading this all on whoever reads this. This one was way more for me than for you reader...but man it felt good to get that all out! I promise to be happier next time, and maybe even through in a pic or two of my little angels (hee hee)